Trigger warning.
Just a friendly warning dear reader. This piece is not the lightest of reading. If your low mood is easily triggered, then do not read on.
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Not in a good place right now. Just can’t see the point. Simply just don’t want to be here anymore, don’t want to exist. Not sleeping well. Don’t feel people around me see me or get me. No empathy or compassion directed towards me. Feel I’m failing everyone. Can’t take confrontation.
My mental interior is a shit hole of confusion, anxiety and depression. I feel I’ve been fighting over the top of it for years. That if I act right, behave appropriately my feelings and mental nihilism will dissipate and be replaced by something more positive. I just feel a burden. That I’m failing to comply with what’s required of me.
If I try to express myself, (something I find hard anyway) I just feel I’m dismissed or even shouted down. Confrontation seems to induce mental chaos to the degree I feel my head is going to burst. I can even end up hitting my head with my fists in an attempt to stop what’s happening, it just feels so horrific and painful. There is no rational here; neither side is being heard or understood.
I desperately need to communicate the pain I am in. But if I try to do that, I’m met with anger and disdain. As if I was displaying some form of weakness or inadequacy.
I don’t think I’m a bad person. I don’t really want much from life itself. All I feel I’m being confronted with is how I’m failing in every respect. Am I being bullied? Is what’s happening an attempt at controlling me? I don’t think any of this is out of any evil intent. Just that people around me cope better with the day to day negotiations with each other than I feel able to. So I stay in the background as much as I can. Maybe at some level hoping I won’t be noticed or singled out. Of course, the flip side is that I just feel all the more isolated, which is painful in itself.
I apologise for all this self pitying shit. I just can’t see any way out.
Navigating Hades. 